So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
