Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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