oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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