and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Send help, water and tortillas.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We need to get me chipped asap
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize