i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
