There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
from now on my penis is your penis
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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