That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What a dumb baby whore.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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