Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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