Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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