Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
