I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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