so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
