i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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