woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
