I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He kissed a someone with a penis
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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