how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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