I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
