Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My hand turned me down
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
