I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
