Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
