i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
