bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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