I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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