life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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