I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
