my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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