Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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