Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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