he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
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who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.