I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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