and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
