There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
