Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
