I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
