don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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