No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
