I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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