i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
