the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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