boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
