i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
