Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
