have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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