Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
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When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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