he wants to bone in the snuggie
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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