He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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