There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
