You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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