true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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