you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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