she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
