Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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