You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
