I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This house was built for laser tag.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
