At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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