Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
