Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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